April 1, 2013
There have been a few who have asked us lately how we finally got pregnant. Here was our journey in a nutshell...
-Went off birth control February 2011
-Started tracking my waking temperature, periods and intercourse dates January -October 2012
General OB/GYN infertility consult April 2012
Clomid paired with more charting and bloodwork done on day 21 of my cycle May-July 2012
**Official break from trying to conceive August-October 2012**
First consultation appointment with Infertility Specialist Dr. Foulk November 2012
Ordered HGC, Progesterone and Clomid to further spark ovulation...
There is no scientific evidence on how we could be pregnant; just the Lord's will and timing matched with ours. We are extremely blessed and know there are so many that are hurting incredible pains that we only began to understand. We will make sure our child sends down babies your way shortly!!!
February 27, 2013
I cannot think of anything fitting to say to make the transition from this chapter of our life to our new one; especially since we may be back here, dealing with infertility, sooner than we would like.
This isn't a goodbye but more like an until our paths cross again.
Everything I've written, shared and felt is as true today as it was January of 2012 so please don't let go of Rich and I and let us be a support for you!! There is no doubt that we wouldn't be where we are today without the love and support we have received: Thank You!
January 26, 2013
There is a couple that was married just days before us and they are now expecting their second child- it's crazy to think in the same amount of time they will have two children before we even have one.
January 11, 2013
Yesterday marked 1 year since I started writing this page.
What an emotional, hopeful, disappointing, exciting , jealous and long year it has been.
January 5, 2013
We've blogged about how great our cruise was but there is one more amazing thing it had to offer I haven't mentioned yet. Since you can set sail being over 24 weeks pregnant -it seems like no one is pregnant on the ship; making relaxing and just enjoying yourself much easier!
December 15, 2012
Last weekend while at dinner we sat by a family with 5 little girls. The oldest could not have been older than 7 or 8. After observing them most of the evening I realized I couldn't handle that and while it may be hard, Heavenly Father knows what he is doing and what Rich and I can handle!
December 6, 2012
When my mom was out here we talked a little about infertility and I told her how it can be very hard to have a network of supporters or couples going through the same thing we are and then one of them gets pregnant and "leaves the group" . How do you show your excitement for them whether genuine or not and still be true to yourself and your emotions? This is so difficult!! Especially if you are the couple that does have a miracle you don't want to loose those friends who got you through the toughest years of your life.
I'm not sure the answer but I do know that Rich and I are very blessed to have such considerate, patient, understanding friends both in the infertility group and out.
Thank you.
November 27, 2012
I love reading, I really do. But being told that a book will get us pregnant the same month we read it...really? Really? I'm not even going to waste my time looking for the book.
I do think being informed is the most important thing but I'm not a believer in closing the cover of a book to find out I'm pregnant. Sorry advice giver who doesn't want to get into my personal life but spent 20 minutes telling me what I should do.
November 8, 2012
Today was the day I thought everything would fall into place. Instead we received a check-list of what our next treatment will be, a calendar of days we have to go back in, an ultrasound that just reemphasized we weren't pregnant and a few statistics that left us all but hopeful.
Basically there are a lot of factors we need to rule out/fix but each needs to be done one at a time over a span of three or more months.
Let the fun begin with the beginning of my next period which I know will come because my uterus was empty today.
We are grateful for the chance we had to meet with the Doctor but were maybe too hopeful for easy, simple quick fixes.
November 6, 2012
On Thursday we are going to meet with Dr. Foulk..
Rich and I had been thinking about specialists for while and seeking out recommendations; via friends, websites, OBGYN etc and the there was always one name in common-Dr. Foulk.
So I put together a list of a few doctors we wanted to check out, compare costs and overall gain a sense of the practice. As I called the first office I wasn't impressed, scheduling was too rigid and I instantly felt like a number to them. I then called Dr. Foulk's office. I was told the doctor was out a month and a half [man I can't believe how fast that has gone!] but we were fine waiting so she took the rest of my information.
A little voice in the background asked where I was from, so the girl on the phone asked and I said "Provo". She was then prompted to ask where I grew up and when I said "Minnesota" a new familiar voice came on the phone. I realized I was talking to a girl I grew up with from my home ward.
She said, unaware to me, that our mothers have talked and Dr. Foulk was made aware of the situation and permitted April to offer our first consultation at no cost [$200+ expense]. I didn't know what to do. I was so happy and touched by those who are actively serving Rich and I and couldn't help but thank God for this precious blessing.
Thursday can't come fast enough!
November 4, 2012
Today was Fast Sunday and my mom suggested to have a family fast for our appointment on Thursday. When she first suggested the idea I was a little taken back because we had held a Fast on our behalf just a few months earlier.
But I am so grateful we were able to participate this week. With Rich in Pittsburgh, my brother on a mission in Oregon and the rest of my family in Minnesota I could feel the strength of all our faith in a way I hadn't before. I felt confident in our new doctor's abilities, and the treatment plan we will acquire. We are so blessed to be part of families where the Gospel is such a source of strength and will pray for the best on Thursday!
November 3, 2012
I am just feeling very grateful for Brooke in my life right now. I was once asked how it is for my best friend to have a baby and I was so thankful for the way I was confidently able to respond: "it's wonderful" I said. Brooke is such a sweetheart and anytime we talk she will say "if we are ever blessed to have more children". Her tender heart touches mine in a way I never imagined. When I see her and her son it's so evident of her love for him but any chance she gets she will always ask do you want to hold him? Every time she does this I want to give her a big hug; our relationship could have easily been tested by Charlie's birth but I am so happy to say it's only made us stronger.
October 28, 2012
Some people really don't get it. I'm seriously convinced that there are those who think everyone wants to hear about their pregnancy, or their sister's baby or how wonderful parenthood is...
I'm here to let you know not everyone is strong enough to hear anything dealing with children.
October 22, 2012
At work today a patient told me how much she wanted to rush through her forth pregnancy, and that it seems like all her friends have their babies but she has to wait until February to have hers.
Man what would it be like if I only had to wait until February?
October 21, 2012
Life will never be easy..but it can be easier.
October 20, 2012
Last week we had the following conversation with our favorite 7 and 5 year old girls:
Line: "Why don't you want a baby?"
Me: " We do, it's just that Heavenly Father hasn't given us one yet?"
Siueli: "You can just have us, sometimes my mom says she doesn't want us"
October 11, 2012
I always dream about babies. It sucks.
October 5, 2012
I am so excited to write today!!
It doesn't have to do with a pregnancy in anyway but renewed hope in our potential treatment. Last night we were able to attend a Seminar with Dr. Foulk and his office, http://www.utahfertility.com/utah/about/ and it was wonderful. Finding the clinic is another miracle I'll discuss later.
As we entered the classroom yesterday my heart was touched by the varying couples who were also there. The author of Infertility Help Hope and Healing was even there and shared some wonderful thoughts with us. The night included emotional support and then medical knowlegde which was wonderful. Here are some things I learned that all should know:
Each month there is a 20% chance of a healthy, fertile, couple to get pregnant. After a year of trying and no pregnancy that percentage goes down to 2-3% chance each month.
Infertility is a Reproductive Disease. This helped a TON to hear. It justifies me feeling like I need to fix something and that going to the doctor is necessary. If I had any other disease I wouldn't brush it off.
I've sometimes felt like we need to have intercourse multiply times a week to ever get pregnant but that is not the case. Regular intercourse 1-2 times a week should surely insure a pregnancy.
After listening to the doctors and questions others had we are excited for our appointment with Dr. Foulk on November 8. Even if we end up trying Clomid or a drug like it for 3 more months we feel like we are headed in the right direction!
September 28, 2012
A doctor came into the office today and since i'm told to be super friendly at my job I started to have a conversation with him. When he asked about my husband I couldn't believe what he said. He asked if we had any children and when I said no his response was:
"Well you need to take a day off work to fix that"
I was completely shocked, hurt and upset. But as I posted before I've leanred to help people understand to be more sensitive so I responded with
"Yeah if only it was that easy."
Thankfully he was sent to the back after that but I still cannot believe those words came out of his mouth.
September 25, 2012
I know I shouldn't care what others think, but let's be honest that's a hard thing to do!
Whenever I am asked how long I've been married without fail the next question is "and no kids yet?" Sometimes it's followed- up with a "lucky you, enjoy this time" but that only hurts more. I'm beginning to learn to respond to their response with "no, we haven't been blessed with children yet". Hopefully that will help them think twice and will stop them from judging us.
September 24, 2012
A month.
What a cruel amount a time. It's the perfect number of days to get over one heartache, start to re-gain hope and even get excited that this is the month and then all your dreams, hope and desires are washed away again.
Yesterday was a very hard day. We were the most optimistic we have been in a long while about a potential pregnancy due to the signs, symptoms and the timing of my last cycle.
At least we are now confident that we cannot get pregnant on our own.
19 months and counting...
September 15, 2012
Just some advice:
Whenever a couple who is struggling with infertility asks you, a couple who has children, to babysit please don't brush them off. The infertile couple wouldn't be asking if they didn't want to babysit!
Babysiting or being around children, when we are having a good day, is the best way Rich and I are able to cope. It helps us keep perspective of what our goal really is.
September 10, 2012
Through our infertility it has been interesting to note those who have been our biggest supporters. Some have 5 children, others have a newborn, some have been struggling for years longer than us and others just a fraction of our length but to all of you thank you.
Also those who are going through the same trial I have your names written in my journal and we pray for you by name often. Lately I have been able to cross a few couples off that list and while it's hard to see others succeed in the way we so deeply desire we are so excited for your future with your baby.
September 2, 2012
There have been a few experiences lately that have shown us what the reality of being parents is like; we have viewed these realizations as tender mercies from the Lord and his way of helping us cope. Having a baby isn't all cute clothes and cuddles and being shown that in a few ways has helped us accept our current stage a little better than before.
August 15, 2012
There is a class on Infertility this Education week and Rich and I have soaked up every minute of each lesson. The speaker relates amazingly and my head is constantly nodding at what she says! She began yesterday by giving an analogy of infertility with a worthy young man being denied the Priesthood for not apparent reason. What an amazing way to describe how this feels. She also went on to say that most people just simply don't understand what we are going through, the procedures with doctors and the faith we are exerting every day. She then stated that we are to educate those who need it in a loving and respectful way to prevent hurt feelings.
While infertility can be a very private and secret issue, Rich and I have felt very blessed to be so open about our struggle, if there is ever a need to reach out to us in seek of your own comfort we'd love to join your support system.
August 2, 2012
Before we were married Rich and I decided that our first son would be named "McKay". Since Rich and I met in the McKay Building on campus we fell in love with the idea.
This morning Rich convinced himself that we aren't getting pregnant because our future kids don't like the names we have picked out for them!!
It's nice to have humor in our situation once in a while.
July 30, 2012
I've realized it's harder for me to see pregnant people than those with children. Seeing a picture of someone or hearing all about another's pregnancy hits me so much harder than baby blessings or newborn pictures.
The good news with this is that pregnant women can't be pregnant forever :)
Another thing, I think the Relief Society's insight to stop "good news minute" was the smartest thing and I didn't realize it until we moved into this ward where the tradition is still kept. Every second is filled with pregnancy announcements, progress on the baby they are carrying or how great their doctor says they are doing.
Oh one last thing- Doctors. So Clomid didn't work for us and we have been referred to a specialist. As I looked at their website I realized I'm not ready to be their experiment and have test after test, blood sample after blood sample done to find out why I'm not normal and in the automated baby making Utah County "broken".
When will the timing ever be right?
July 26, 2012
A patient came in today who has been trying to get pregnant for 9 years. NINE years. He told me they had come to terms that they would never be parents. He also shared his frustration with the fact that everyone else seems to conceive instantly and he thought maybe they just have to have drunk stupid sex for it to happen.
Anyway, without seeking, a baby finally became available to adopt. They have a month to prepare physically, emotionally and spiritually. What faith!!
He told his wife through a text message basically saying "Hey I found a baby to adopt" could you imagine?
July 20, 2012
Today I was looking at a blog of someone who is my age with two children. When Polly saw what I was looking at she said, "Why are you torturing yourself? Shut that off RIGHT now"
She is right. There is no need to torture myself I just needed to hear it from someone else.
July 1, 2012
We started round three of Clomid on Friday.
June 22, 2012
My new goal? Learn to accept and live with others being pregnant.
It is so much harder than imaginable but I know my life will be better if I can conquer this...It's just so hard and painful. I know in months/years to come that others will decide to start a family or expand their current one and be pregnant within a month or if longer it will still be faster than us and I can't just ignore it anymore I've got to be able to accept it. Wish me luck.
June 10, 2012
Today was a tough day. As I sit here eating chocolate covered cinnamon bears let me tell you about it...
I have been doing really good lately, optimistic that Clomid may still work and if it doesn't feeling at peace with taking a break from medical intervention. However, today all it took was the words, "I'm expecting" to bring me back to reality and rushing out of the room to break down with painful tears. I hurried home, interrupted my husband's presidency meeting and wept in the bathroom. Somehow I managed to get enough courage to visit teach and attend church all with red puffy eyes.
It wasn't until after church where I found a beautiful package sitting on my doorstep that I felt the Savior's love for me and the truth that I do matter to him. There was also the most precious note attached. In this note from an anonymous author she not only validated my sorrows but helped me see that others just simply might not understand and agreed with how frustrating it can be.
To my angel, please read the following:
I am grateful for your selflessness to reach out to me and pray you will be blessed for it. Your words touched Rich and I so deeply and we will treasure them continuously. I look forward to the day when I can appreciate my children and the blessing of them as much as you do while not forgetting the emotional road it was to be blessed with them. I also appreciated you saying that some of the best women you know went through this similar trial and I know that to be true in my own life and you may even be one of those women I've looked up to since this journey started. Thank you so much for the gift but more importantly for the letter. Those words have already been read 4 times and there is no end in sight.
June 9, 2012
At a Relief Society Training meeting last week we talked about infertility and how to help those going through it and the best comment ever was made. On sister said that "you must validate those suffering" meaning that even though others are going through the same situation each struggling couple should be treated like one in a million and not just grouped into those who can't get pregnant; each trial and each situation is so different.
June 3, 3012
As today is fast Sunday I have decided to turn my focus from praying for a baby to having the strength to get through this trial. I also made a list of all those I know who are struggling the same way we are. The list is currently at 11 couples. Please know that each of you are being prayed for, thought of and fasted on behalf of today.
May 31, 2012
A few nights ago I was really struggling. I had just started my period again and held it together all day until Rich and I got home...I then shook with tears.
I think we are both emotionally drained by the past 15 months of constant disappointment paired with faulty hope. If our current treatment doesn't work this month or next, I think we will be taking a break from medical intervention.
I received a call from my doctor today and she said that the medication did increase my hormones and caused ovulation so that is hopeful but we are already braced for more disappointment.
May 29, 2012
How are we doing? We hit a wall like Mitch and Cameron on Modern Family 's season finale last week. Who would have thought we'd have so much in common with a gay couple?
May 24, 2012
Today a friend told me about her and her husband's struggles to become parents. However, she knew before they were even married that pregnancy would not be successful without medical help, if at all.
I know I would not have been strong enough to submit to this challenge before marriage; but it also opened my eyes to realize how blessed we are.
May 20, 2012
Looking on the bright side of things. These are a few benefits of not being parents yet
1. We can sleep in.
2. Dates happen weekly if not more frequently.
3. Being able to watch movies as loud as we want.
4. Rich doesn't have to share cuddle time.
5. Loving my job and being able to completely focus on that.
6. Strengthen our marriage by going through this together.
I go back for more blood-work on Tuesday. They are going to check my hormone levels again to see if the first dose of Clomid worked; I don't think it did. If my hunch is right they will increase the dosage.
May 16, 2012
Maybe it wouldn't be so hard if we just pretended not to be trying to get pregnant or just come to terms with it not happening and be surprised if it does.
This monthly roller coaster is getting old.
May 15, 2012
A few things:
1. It just hit me how expensive this baby will be BEFORE it's even conceived.
2. Being happy for others is one of the hardest things and all I can say is; I'm working on it.
3. I have saved every card, letter, note, e-mail and message that anyone has sent me and re-read them often. Thank you for taking the time to make me feel noticed!
May 13, 2012
Yesterday I went to a baby shower and while the mother-to-be was opening gifts another guest said, "Erica I bet you are just dying with baby hunger now after you've seen all these cute things" It took everything I had to not get up and cry the whole way home.
Happy Mother's Day
May 3, 2012
And the results are in!!
Rich is 95% healthy so I am the main target with my results showing a lack of ovulation. These were the results I was hoping for and with our filled prescription of Clomid which I will take just a few days of my cycle- starting tomorrow-we are filled with optimism. This is our plan for now and if we are not pregnant in 3 months we will head to a specialist...
14 months and counting
April 28, 2012
Friday was the 21st day of my cycle and the day that was designated to get some blood work done to check my hormone levels. Thankfully Rich and I were able to sync schedules and he was able to turn in a sample for a semen analysis [to check his sperm count] on the same visit. After all the stares, questions and embarrassment mixed with awkwardness we left the hospital and had a renewed sense of hope for our future baby! Results should be in shortly and hopefully more direction on what to do next will follow.
April 22, 2012
I have a hard time being comforted by words of those who have already conquered this trial.
I know it takes years for some to get pregnant and have children but when I hear their success stories it's hard for me because in the end they did get what they wanted.
What if we don't?
Thank you to all those who are struggling with the same challenge or one similar that have reached out and expressed your love and support; it means the world to Rich and I and I keep a separate journal with all your uplifting thoughts.
We are not blessed with hindsight yet and cannot look back on the past year and say "it was all worth it"...but maybe, just maybe one day we will.
April 10, 2012
Yesterday I went to the doctor for the first time concerning this challenge. It's funny how many people will hear of our struggle and the first thing they will say is "have you seen the doctor?" "have you had tests done?" etc...and in-case you didn't know doctors won't have much to say to you until you have been trying at least a year and have been unsuccessful and even then my doctor said there is a chance that we just have horrible timing.
Regardless, I did go to my OBGYN and it was a good experience. She said that I am most likely not ovulating and that blood work will need to be done to confirm that. In addition she said that 40% of infertility is due to the male and there are steps we will be taking to rule out those problems as well. I feel like it's a good start and that we are one step closer to getting pregnant, but part of me also worries that nothing will be found that can be fixed.
As I was leaving the office I was feeling pretty proud of myself. I had just expressed our concern and desire to have a baby with a complete stranger and had kept my composer with no tears. But as I was walking out the door the nurse said "I know how tough this must be, it's something that is not fun to go through" It was then I realized that I was human and that this is a emotional trial and I'm so grateful someone finally recognized that and wasn't so focused on seeing the next patient.
April 7, 2012
I finally put my finger on it. I know Heavenly father loves me and has a plan for me and we have never doubted that but I just never thought my deepest desire in life -to have children- would be so different or on a different time table than the Lord's and his will.
April 6, 2012
Today I started my period for the 13th time since we decided we wanted to get pregnant. The following is a part of Elder Packer's talk from General Conference that has been on my mind all day...
April 3, 2012
My best friend is pregnant. And even though I love her to death I canNOT wait for this child to be born. I may become guilty of going to see Brooke to really see the baby! On Thursday they find out what they are having- as hard as it is, it is still really fun to live vicariously through her!
March 24, 2012
Last week my brother, who is on a mission in Oregon, came to me for advice about a 15 year old recent convert who is pregnant with a young man in the ward who plan on getting married this summer. When I read the e-mail I couldn't believe it.
1. This young girl is getting something I'm not sure I will ever get.
2. She is tossing the best years of her life away for a boy that will probably mean little in 3 years.
3. Frankly she is isolating herself. It won't be as easy to make friends being 16 and having a child AND being married.
So what was I to do? What advice do I give my missionary brother? How do I put all my 16 and Pregnant show watching and capstone research project into action? Prayer, a lot of it and I wrote her a letter explaining how much is ahead of her and to NOT rush growing up.
March 17, 2012
Yesterday there was the sweetest note left on our doorstep. I don't know who dropped it off but I do know that it was just what I needed. Sometimes I feel like people know about this struggle but are too afraid to try to console me, even the best of friends. When I came home yesterday I realized that I am not forgotten and there are angels all around me working for heavenly father to show me the love I so desperately need.
Thank you note and Cadbury egg leaver!
March 11, 2012
1. Paying rent is like having cramps. When you don't own a house or are not pregnant they really are just being wasted. I'd prefer to have both of these count towards something!
2. We recently went to dinner with some cousins of mine and afterwords Cameron gave me a really great hug almost as if he was saying "I know this must be hard but don't forget about all those who desire your success".
3. At work I was asked to help an older, hard of seeing, gentleman find the line on the receipt that he needed to sign. Once he was directed to the line he did exactly want he needed to. Sometimes I wish I would just be put on the line I need and do what I know I want to do.
February 26, 2012
This weekend we had Stake Conference and there were so many quotes and one liners that I KNEW were just for me and everyone else in this situation.
"Sprinting forward and being stopped in my tracks"- What it feels like to be late on a period and jumping to the conclusion that you are pregnant to get your period a few days later.
"This is exactly what I needed, but not at all what I wanted"
"Heavenly Father has been gracious enough for us not to see forward and understand why we are going through what we are"
" Do NOT take your eye off the ball"- Motherhood is my goal no matter what.
February 25, 2012
In the mail a few days ago I found a book that a friend from high school sent me to borrow. The title is "Taking Charge of your Fertility" by Toni Weschler and it was a great read. A lot of the book talks about tracking your waking temperature to make sure you know what is going on in your cycle and when- which I had started and got discouraged twice doing; but what I did learn from the book was how important cervical fluid is. I had heard and read about discharge but I didn't realize that it is one of the most useful things in getting pregnant and not producing this "egg-white" mucus at least a few days out of a cycle can cause a pregnancy challenge- which is exactly what I think is going on. The book suggested a few vitamins, musinex syrup and other home remedies to aid in producing better fluid and I am excited to see if this might be our solution!
February 22, 2012
Richy is the best. He tries so hard to understand what I am going through and it's the little things that make all the difference. Whenever a commercial about babies comes on- he changes the channel. Whenever someone starts talking about being pregnant- he squeezes my hand. Whenever someone with a little baby passes us he will look to me to make sure I am okay. I wouldn't be able to make it through this without him.
February 19, 2012
Yesterday I woke up and rocked a 7-year-old for about an hour. She was already awake and just needed some love so I cuddled her up in a huge blue blanket, put her on my lap and rocked her while running my hands down her hair and back. It was in this quiet early morning moment that I realized I don't need a little baby to be at peace but I can have the same motherly moments rocking an older child that isn't even mine. It then dawned on me that this child was adopted from a country across the world and how selfless her parents were to expand their family even if it meant their DNA would not be involved.
Although it is hard to see how wonderful Rich is with children when we know it isn't our turn yet there is hope in the knowledge that we can be parents in a variety of ways.
February 11, 2012
Today was a tough day. I started my period 7 days late. I didn't even think to use a pregnancy test because I knew it was too good to be true and I didn't want to face yet another negative response. It didn't help going to the Worldwide Training and hearing women referred to as wives and mothers of children. When will this pain make sense?
February 10, 2012
A few nights ago I was talking to Rich about finances and where we should invest and how much etc. What he said was very touching and provided optimism to spark. He said " we should live such that we will have a baby in 9 months". No we are not putting our life on hold through this time but at least from a financial mindset we will be prepared to have a baby in 9 months. His suggestion encouraged me and right now we are enjoying the journey!
February 3, 2012
When I started this page I wasn't sure why I was doing it. Part of me wanted to give a disclaimer why we don't have children and have been married almost two years, another part of me wanted to make others aware that pregnancy isn't as easy as I thought all growing up and a very small part of me wanted to reach out to others in the same situation. What is interesting is that the last, small part has become my whole purpose. I have had many conversations in person, over the phone, through facebook and over e-mail from those dear friends of mine going through the same challenge and before they contacted me I had no idea we had this trial in common. One of those friends has recently said, "if you find out why we are going through this let me know". As I have thought about that I do know part of the reason we are...to gain strength from each other, to know we are not alone and we can gain support from one another and through the power of prayer we will have comfort and reassurance through this time.
I know that when it comes time for Rich and I do become parents we will cherish those children more than if they would have come easy to us. The blessing of children is worth waiting for in our book.
January 27, 2012
One of the hardest things for me is how insensitive some people are about what Rich and I are going through. When I was talking with a friend earlier this week she really helped by saying "no matter what your situation is there is always going to be someone insensitive to what you are going through" . I've just got to suck it up and put on my resilient coat.
January 25, 2012
Analogy time: Last night Rich got his GRE scores in the mail. He already knew he rocked the verbal and math portions but needed to see his written score on paper. As he saw the written score he was a little disappointed [partly because he told such high expectations for himself] . After seeing the score there was a few ways to react but what we did was shrug it off, know it's still good enough to get into the Masters program and move on knowing that if he really wants a higher score he can take the test again.
Each time I see a negative pregnancy test or start my period I know there are a few ways I can react; however , I also know that there is nothing I can do to change the answer right then. So the best way to react is to shrug it off, know next month may be better and move on looking forward with faith.
January 23, 2012
Keep a journal. Even though it may seem like I express a lot of things on this page and my blog in general- trust me there is so much that is not published but kept in my own little documents and leather bond journal by my bed. Mostly of moments when I am not so strong, moments of complete sadness and hopelessness but also moments when I have felt the spirit so strongly and things that have gotten me through. I was briefly looking over one from May and it's starts out with "So I don't really know where to begin, but I know I should" I am EXTREMELY grateful I have taken the time since then to record my thoughts. emotions and hurts.
January 22, 2012
January 19, 2012
January 17, 2012
January 13, 2012
There have been a few who have asked us lately how we finally got pregnant. Here was our journey in a nutshell...
-Went off birth control February 2011
-Started tracking my waking temperature, periods and intercourse dates January -October 2012
General OB/GYN infertility consult April 2012
Clomid paired with more charting and bloodwork done on day 21 of my cycle May-July 2012
**Official break from trying to conceive August-October 2012**
First consultation appointment with Infertility Specialist Dr. Foulk November 2012
Ordered HGC, Progesterone and Clomid to further spark ovulation...
There is no scientific evidence on how we could be pregnant; just the Lord's will and timing matched with ours. We are extremely blessed and know there are so many that are hurting incredible pains that we only began to understand. We will make sure our child sends down babies your way shortly!!!
February 27, 2013
I cannot think of anything fitting to say to make the transition from this chapter of our life to our new one; especially since we may be back here, dealing with infertility, sooner than we would like.
This isn't a goodbye but more like an until our paths cross again.
Everything I've written, shared and felt is as true today as it was January of 2012 so please don't let go of Rich and I and let us be a support for you!! There is no doubt that we wouldn't be where we are today without the love and support we have received: Thank You!
January 26, 2013
There is a couple that was married just days before us and they are now expecting their second child- it's crazy to think in the same amount of time they will have two children before we even have one.
January 11, 2013
Yesterday marked 1 year since I started writing this page.
What an emotional, hopeful, disappointing, exciting , jealous and long year it has been.
January 5, 2013
We've blogged about how great our cruise was but there is one more amazing thing it had to offer I haven't mentioned yet. Since you can set sail being over 24 weeks pregnant -it seems like no one is pregnant on the ship; making relaxing and just enjoying yourself much easier!
December 15, 2012
Last weekend while at dinner we sat by a family with 5 little girls. The oldest could not have been older than 7 or 8. After observing them most of the evening I realized I couldn't handle that and while it may be hard, Heavenly Father knows what he is doing and what Rich and I can handle!
December 6, 2012
When my mom was out here we talked a little about infertility and I told her how it can be very hard to have a network of supporters or couples going through the same thing we are and then one of them gets pregnant and "leaves the group" . How do you show your excitement for them whether genuine or not and still be true to yourself and your emotions? This is so difficult!! Especially if you are the couple that does have a miracle you don't want to loose those friends who got you through the toughest years of your life.
I'm not sure the answer but I do know that Rich and I are very blessed to have such considerate, patient, understanding friends both in the infertility group and out.
Thank you.
November 27, 2012
I love reading, I really do. But being told that a book will get us pregnant the same month we read it...really? Really? I'm not even going to waste my time looking for the book.
I do think being informed is the most important thing but I'm not a believer in closing the cover of a book to find out I'm pregnant. Sorry advice giver who doesn't want to get into my personal life but spent 20 minutes telling me what I should do.
November 8, 2012
Today was the day I thought everything would fall into place. Instead we received a check-list of what our next treatment will be, a calendar of days we have to go back in, an ultrasound that just reemphasized we weren't pregnant and a few statistics that left us all but hopeful.
Basically there are a lot of factors we need to rule out/fix but each needs to be done one at a time over a span of three or more months.
Let the fun begin with the beginning of my next period which I know will come because my uterus was empty today.
We are grateful for the chance we had to meet with the Doctor but were maybe too hopeful for easy, simple quick fixes.
November 6, 2012
On Thursday we are going to meet with Dr. Foulk..
Rich and I had been thinking about specialists for while and seeking out recommendations; via friends, websites, OBGYN etc and the there was always one name in common-Dr. Foulk.
So I put together a list of a few doctors we wanted to check out, compare costs and overall gain a sense of the practice. As I called the first office I wasn't impressed, scheduling was too rigid and I instantly felt like a number to them. I then called Dr. Foulk's office. I was told the doctor was out a month and a half [man I can't believe how fast that has gone!] but we were fine waiting so she took the rest of my information.
A little voice in the background asked where I was from, so the girl on the phone asked and I said "Provo". She was then prompted to ask where I grew up and when I said "Minnesota" a new familiar voice came on the phone. I realized I was talking to a girl I grew up with from my home ward.
She said, unaware to me, that our mothers have talked and Dr. Foulk was made aware of the situation and permitted April to offer our first consultation at no cost [$200+ expense]. I didn't know what to do. I was so happy and touched by those who are actively serving Rich and I and couldn't help but thank God for this precious blessing.
Thursday can't come fast enough!
November 4, 2012
Today was Fast Sunday and my mom suggested to have a family fast for our appointment on Thursday. When she first suggested the idea I was a little taken back because we had held a Fast on our behalf just a few months earlier.
But I am so grateful we were able to participate this week. With Rich in Pittsburgh, my brother on a mission in Oregon and the rest of my family in Minnesota I could feel the strength of all our faith in a way I hadn't before. I felt confident in our new doctor's abilities, and the treatment plan we will acquire. We are so blessed to be part of families where the Gospel is such a source of strength and will pray for the best on Thursday!
November 3, 2012
I am just feeling very grateful for Brooke in my life right now. I was once asked how it is for my best friend to have a baby and I was so thankful for the way I was confidently able to respond: "it's wonderful" I said. Brooke is such a sweetheart and anytime we talk she will say "if we are ever blessed to have more children". Her tender heart touches mine in a way I never imagined. When I see her and her son it's so evident of her love for him but any chance she gets she will always ask do you want to hold him? Every time she does this I want to give her a big hug; our relationship could have easily been tested by Charlie's birth but I am so happy to say it's only made us stronger.
October 28, 2012
Some people really don't get it. I'm seriously convinced that there are those who think everyone wants to hear about their pregnancy, or their sister's baby or how wonderful parenthood is...
I'm here to let you know not everyone is strong enough to hear anything dealing with children.
October 22, 2012
At work today a patient told me how much she wanted to rush through her forth pregnancy, and that it seems like all her friends have their babies but she has to wait until February to have hers.
Man what would it be like if I only had to wait until February?
October 21, 2012
Life will never be easy..but it can be easier.
October 20, 2012
Last week we had the following conversation with our favorite 7 and 5 year old girls:
Line: "Why don't you want a baby?"
Me: " We do, it's just that Heavenly Father hasn't given us one yet?"
Siueli: "You can just have us, sometimes my mom says she doesn't want us"
October 11, 2012
I always dream about babies. It sucks.
October 5, 2012
I am so excited to write today!!
It doesn't have to do with a pregnancy in anyway but renewed hope in our potential treatment. Last night we were able to attend a Seminar with Dr. Foulk and his office, http://www.utahfertility.com/utah/about/ and it was wonderful. Finding the clinic is another miracle I'll discuss later.
As we entered the classroom yesterday my heart was touched by the varying couples who were also there. The author of Infertility Help Hope and Healing was even there and shared some wonderful thoughts with us. The night included emotional support and then medical knowlegde which was wonderful. Here are some things I learned that all should know:
Each month there is a 20% chance of a healthy, fertile, couple to get pregnant. After a year of trying and no pregnancy that percentage goes down to 2-3% chance each month.
Infertility is a Reproductive Disease. This helped a TON to hear. It justifies me feeling like I need to fix something and that going to the doctor is necessary. If I had any other disease I wouldn't brush it off.
I've sometimes felt like we need to have intercourse multiply times a week to ever get pregnant but that is not the case. Regular intercourse 1-2 times a week should surely insure a pregnancy.
After listening to the doctors and questions others had we are excited for our appointment with Dr. Foulk on November 8. Even if we end up trying Clomid or a drug like it for 3 more months we feel like we are headed in the right direction!
September 28, 2012
A doctor came into the office today and since i'm told to be super friendly at my job I started to have a conversation with him. When he asked about my husband I couldn't believe what he said. He asked if we had any children and when I said no his response was:
"Well you need to take a day off work to fix that"
I was completely shocked, hurt and upset. But as I posted before I've leanred to help people understand to be more sensitive so I responded with
"Yeah if only it was that easy."
Thankfully he was sent to the back after that but I still cannot believe those words came out of his mouth.
September 25, 2012
I know I shouldn't care what others think, but let's be honest that's a hard thing to do!
Whenever I am asked how long I've been married without fail the next question is "and no kids yet?" Sometimes it's followed- up with a "lucky you, enjoy this time" but that only hurts more. I'm beginning to learn to respond to their response with "no, we haven't been blessed with children yet". Hopefully that will help them think twice and will stop them from judging us.
September 24, 2012
A month.
What a cruel amount a time. It's the perfect number of days to get over one heartache, start to re-gain hope and even get excited that this is the month and then all your dreams, hope and desires are washed away again.
Yesterday was a very hard day. We were the most optimistic we have been in a long while about a potential pregnancy due to the signs, symptoms and the timing of my last cycle.
At least we are now confident that we cannot get pregnant on our own.
19 months and counting...
September 15, 2012
Just some advice:
Whenever a couple who is struggling with infertility asks you, a couple who has children, to babysit please don't brush them off. The infertile couple wouldn't be asking if they didn't want to babysit!
Babysiting or being around children, when we are having a good day, is the best way Rich and I are able to cope. It helps us keep perspective of what our goal really is.
September 10, 2012
Through our infertility it has been interesting to note those who have been our biggest supporters. Some have 5 children, others have a newborn, some have been struggling for years longer than us and others just a fraction of our length but to all of you thank you.
Also those who are going through the same trial I have your names written in my journal and we pray for you by name often. Lately I have been able to cross a few couples off that list and while it's hard to see others succeed in the way we so deeply desire we are so excited for your future with your baby.
September 2, 2012
There have been a few experiences lately that have shown us what the reality of being parents is like; we have viewed these realizations as tender mercies from the Lord and his way of helping us cope. Having a baby isn't all cute clothes and cuddles and being shown that in a few ways has helped us accept our current stage a little better than before.
August 15, 2012
There is a class on Infertility this Education week and Rich and I have soaked up every minute of each lesson. The speaker relates amazingly and my head is constantly nodding at what she says! She began yesterday by giving an analogy of infertility with a worthy young man being denied the Priesthood for not apparent reason. What an amazing way to describe how this feels. She also went on to say that most people just simply don't understand what we are going through, the procedures with doctors and the faith we are exerting every day. She then stated that we are to educate those who need it in a loving and respectful way to prevent hurt feelings.
While infertility can be a very private and secret issue, Rich and I have felt very blessed to be so open about our struggle, if there is ever a need to reach out to us in seek of your own comfort we'd love to join your support system.
August 2, 2012
Before we were married Rich and I decided that our first son would be named "McKay". Since Rich and I met in the McKay Building on campus we fell in love with the idea.
This morning Rich convinced himself that we aren't getting pregnant because our future kids don't like the names we have picked out for them!!
It's nice to have humor in our situation once in a while.
July 30, 2012
I've realized it's harder for me to see pregnant people than those with children. Seeing a picture of someone or hearing all about another's pregnancy hits me so much harder than baby blessings or newborn pictures.
The good news with this is that pregnant women can't be pregnant forever :)
Another thing, I think the Relief Society's insight to stop "good news minute" was the smartest thing and I didn't realize it until we moved into this ward where the tradition is still kept. Every second is filled with pregnancy announcements, progress on the baby they are carrying or how great their doctor says they are doing.
Oh one last thing- Doctors. So Clomid didn't work for us and we have been referred to a specialist. As I looked at their website I realized I'm not ready to be their experiment and have test after test, blood sample after blood sample done to find out why I'm not normal and in the automated baby making Utah County "broken".
When will the timing ever be right?
July 26, 2012
A patient came in today who has been trying to get pregnant for 9 years. NINE years. He told me they had come to terms that they would never be parents. He also shared his frustration with the fact that everyone else seems to conceive instantly and he thought maybe they just have to have drunk stupid sex for it to happen.
Anyway, without seeking, a baby finally became available to adopt. They have a month to prepare physically, emotionally and spiritually. What faith!!
He told his wife through a text message basically saying "Hey I found a baby to adopt" could you imagine?
July 20, 2012
Today I was looking at a blog of someone who is my age with two children. When Polly saw what I was looking at she said, "Why are you torturing yourself? Shut that off RIGHT now"
She is right. There is no need to torture myself I just needed to hear it from someone else.
July 1, 2012
We started round three of Clomid on Friday.
June 22, 2012
My new goal? Learn to accept and live with others being pregnant.
It is so much harder than imaginable but I know my life will be better if I can conquer this...It's just so hard and painful. I know in months/years to come that others will decide to start a family or expand their current one and be pregnant within a month or if longer it will still be faster than us and I can't just ignore it anymore I've got to be able to accept it. Wish me luck.
June 10, 2012
Today was a tough day. As I sit here eating chocolate covered cinnamon bears let me tell you about it...
I have been doing really good lately, optimistic that Clomid may still work and if it doesn't feeling at peace with taking a break from medical intervention. However, today all it took was the words, "I'm expecting" to bring me back to reality and rushing out of the room to break down with painful tears. I hurried home, interrupted my husband's presidency meeting and wept in the bathroom. Somehow I managed to get enough courage to visit teach and attend church all with red puffy eyes.
It wasn't until after church where I found a beautiful package sitting on my doorstep that I felt the Savior's love for me and the truth that I do matter to him. There was also the most precious note attached. In this note from an anonymous author she not only validated my sorrows but helped me see that others just simply might not understand and agreed with how frustrating it can be.
To my angel, please read the following:
I am grateful for your selflessness to reach out to me and pray you will be blessed for it. Your words touched Rich and I so deeply and we will treasure them continuously. I look forward to the day when I can appreciate my children and the blessing of them as much as you do while not forgetting the emotional road it was to be blessed with them. I also appreciated you saying that some of the best women you know went through this similar trial and I know that to be true in my own life and you may even be one of those women I've looked up to since this journey started. Thank you so much for the gift but more importantly for the letter. Those words have already been read 4 times and there is no end in sight.
June 9, 2012
At a Relief Society Training meeting last week we talked about infertility and how to help those going through it and the best comment ever was made. On sister said that "you must validate those suffering" meaning that even though others are going through the same situation each struggling couple should be treated like one in a million and not just grouped into those who can't get pregnant; each trial and each situation is so different.
June 3, 3012
As today is fast Sunday I have decided to turn my focus from praying for a baby to having the strength to get through this trial. I also made a list of all those I know who are struggling the same way we are. The list is currently at 11 couples. Please know that each of you are being prayed for, thought of and fasted on behalf of today.
May 31, 2012
A few nights ago I was really struggling. I had just started my period again and held it together all day until Rich and I got home...I then shook with tears.
I think we are both emotionally drained by the past 15 months of constant disappointment paired with faulty hope. If our current treatment doesn't work this month or next, I think we will be taking a break from medical intervention.
I received a call from my doctor today and she said that the medication did increase my hormones and caused ovulation so that is hopeful but we are already braced for more disappointment.
May 29, 2012
How are we doing? We hit a wall like Mitch and Cameron on Modern Family 's season finale last week. Who would have thought we'd have so much in common with a gay couple?
May 24, 2012
Today a friend told me about her and her husband's struggles to become parents. However, she knew before they were even married that pregnancy would not be successful without medical help, if at all.
I know I would not have been strong enough to submit to this challenge before marriage; but it also opened my eyes to realize how blessed we are.
May 20, 2012
Looking on the bright side of things. These are a few benefits of not being parents yet
1. We can sleep in.
2. Dates happen weekly if not more frequently.
3. Being able to watch movies as loud as we want.
4. Rich doesn't have to share cuddle time.
5. Loving my job and being able to completely focus on that.
6. Strengthen our marriage by going through this together.
I go back for more blood-work on Tuesday. They are going to check my hormone levels again to see if the first dose of Clomid worked; I don't think it did. If my hunch is right they will increase the dosage.
May 16, 2012
Maybe it wouldn't be so hard if we just pretended not to be trying to get pregnant or just come to terms with it not happening and be surprised if it does.
This monthly roller coaster is getting old.
May 15, 2012
A few things:
1. It just hit me how expensive this baby will be BEFORE it's even conceived.
2. Being happy for others is one of the hardest things and all I can say is; I'm working on it.
3. I have saved every card, letter, note, e-mail and message that anyone has sent me and re-read them often. Thank you for taking the time to make me feel noticed!
May 13, 2012
Yesterday I went to a baby shower and while the mother-to-be was opening gifts another guest said, "Erica I bet you are just dying with baby hunger now after you've seen all these cute things" It took everything I had to not get up and cry the whole way home.
Happy Mother's Day
May 3, 2012
And the results are in!!
Rich is 95% healthy so I am the main target with my results showing a lack of ovulation. These were the results I was hoping for and with our filled prescription of Clomid which I will take just a few days of my cycle- starting tomorrow-we are filled with optimism. This is our plan for now and if we are not pregnant in 3 months we will head to a specialist...
14 months and counting
April 28, 2012
Friday was the 21st day of my cycle and the day that was designated to get some blood work done to check my hormone levels. Thankfully Rich and I were able to sync schedules and he was able to turn in a sample for a semen analysis [to check his sperm count] on the same visit. After all the stares, questions and embarrassment mixed with awkwardness we left the hospital and had a renewed sense of hope for our future baby! Results should be in shortly and hopefully more direction on what to do next will follow.
April 22, 2012
I have a hard time being comforted by words of those who have already conquered this trial.
I know it takes years for some to get pregnant and have children but when I hear their success stories it's hard for me because in the end they did get what they wanted.
What if we don't?
Thank you to all those who are struggling with the same challenge or one similar that have reached out and expressed your love and support; it means the world to Rich and I and I keep a separate journal with all your uplifting thoughts.
We are not blessed with hindsight yet and cannot look back on the past year and say "it was all worth it"...but maybe, just maybe one day we will.
April 10, 2012
Yesterday I went to the doctor for the first time concerning this challenge. It's funny how many people will hear of our struggle and the first thing they will say is "have you seen the doctor?" "have you had tests done?" etc...and in-case you didn't know doctors won't have much to say to you until you have been trying at least a year and have been unsuccessful and even then my doctor said there is a chance that we just have horrible timing.
Regardless, I did go to my OBGYN and it was a good experience. She said that I am most likely not ovulating and that blood work will need to be done to confirm that. In addition she said that 40% of infertility is due to the male and there are steps we will be taking to rule out those problems as well. I feel like it's a good start and that we are one step closer to getting pregnant, but part of me also worries that nothing will be found that can be fixed.
As I was leaving the office I was feeling pretty proud of myself. I had just expressed our concern and desire to have a baby with a complete stranger and had kept my composer with no tears. But as I was walking out the door the nurse said "I know how tough this must be, it's something that is not fun to go through" It was then I realized that I was human and that this is a emotional trial and I'm so grateful someone finally recognized that and wasn't so focused on seeing the next patient.
April 7, 2012
I finally put my finger on it. I know Heavenly father loves me and has a plan for me and we have never doubted that but I just never thought my deepest desire in life -to have children- would be so different or on a different time table than the Lord's and his will.
April 6, 2012
Today I started my period for the 13th time since we decided we wanted to get pregnant. The following is a part of Elder Packer's talk from General Conference that has been on my mind all day...
"Another young couple tearfully told me they had just come from a doctor where they were told they would be unable to have children of their own. They were brokenhearted with the news. They were surprised when I told them that they were actually quite fortunate. They wondered why I would say such a thing. I told them their state was infinitely better than that of other couples who were capable of being parents but who rejected and selfishly avoided that responsibility.
I told them, “At least you want children, and that desire will weigh heavily in your favor in your earthly lives and beyond because it will provide spiritual and emotional stability. Ultimately, you will be much better off because you wanted children and could not have them, as compared to those who could but would not have children.”
April 3, 2012
My best friend is pregnant. And even though I love her to death I canNOT wait for this child to be born. I may become guilty of going to see Brooke to really see the baby! On Thursday they find out what they are having- as hard as it is, it is still really fun to live vicariously through her!
March 24, 2012
Last week my brother, who is on a mission in Oregon, came to me for advice about a 15 year old recent convert who is pregnant with a young man in the ward who plan on getting married this summer. When I read the e-mail I couldn't believe it.
1. This young girl is getting something I'm not sure I will ever get.
2. She is tossing the best years of her life away for a boy that will probably mean little in 3 years.
3. Frankly she is isolating herself. It won't be as easy to make friends being 16 and having a child AND being married.
So what was I to do? What advice do I give my missionary brother? How do I put all my 16 and Pregnant show watching and capstone research project into action? Prayer, a lot of it and I wrote her a letter explaining how much is ahead of her and to NOT rush growing up.
March 17, 2012
Yesterday there was the sweetest note left on our doorstep. I don't know who dropped it off but I do know that it was just what I needed. Sometimes I feel like people know about this struggle but are too afraid to try to console me, even the best of friends. When I came home yesterday I realized that I am not forgotten and there are angels all around me working for heavenly father to show me the love I so desperately need.
Thank you note and Cadbury egg leaver!
March 11, 2012
1. Paying rent is like having cramps. When you don't own a house or are not pregnant they really are just being wasted. I'd prefer to have both of these count towards something!
2. We recently went to dinner with some cousins of mine and afterwords Cameron gave me a really great hug almost as if he was saying "I know this must be hard but don't forget about all those who desire your success".
3. At work I was asked to help an older, hard of seeing, gentleman find the line on the receipt that he needed to sign. Once he was directed to the line he did exactly want he needed to. Sometimes I wish I would just be put on the line I need and do what I know I want to do.
February 26, 2012
This weekend we had Stake Conference and there were so many quotes and one liners that I KNEW were just for me and everyone else in this situation.
"Sprinting forward and being stopped in my tracks"- What it feels like to be late on a period and jumping to the conclusion that you are pregnant to get your period a few days later.
"This is exactly what I needed, but not at all what I wanted"
"Heavenly Father has been gracious enough for us not to see forward and understand why we are going through what we are"
" Do NOT take your eye off the ball"- Motherhood is my goal no matter what.
February 25, 2012
In the mail a few days ago I found a book that a friend from high school sent me to borrow. The title is "Taking Charge of your Fertility" by Toni Weschler and it was a great read. A lot of the book talks about tracking your waking temperature to make sure you know what is going on in your cycle and when- which I had started and got discouraged twice doing; but what I did learn from the book was how important cervical fluid is. I had heard and read about discharge but I didn't realize that it is one of the most useful things in getting pregnant and not producing this "egg-white" mucus at least a few days out of a cycle can cause a pregnancy challenge- which is exactly what I think is going on. The book suggested a few vitamins, musinex syrup and other home remedies to aid in producing better fluid and I am excited to see if this might be our solution!
February 22, 2012
Richy is the best. He tries so hard to understand what I am going through and it's the little things that make all the difference. Whenever a commercial about babies comes on- he changes the channel. Whenever someone starts talking about being pregnant- he squeezes my hand. Whenever someone with a little baby passes us he will look to me to make sure I am okay. I wouldn't be able to make it through this without him.
February 19, 2012
Yesterday I woke up and rocked a 7-year-old for about an hour. She was already awake and just needed some love so I cuddled her up in a huge blue blanket, put her on my lap and rocked her while running my hands down her hair and back. It was in this quiet early morning moment that I realized I don't need a little baby to be at peace but I can have the same motherly moments rocking an older child that isn't even mine. It then dawned on me that this child was adopted from a country across the world and how selfless her parents were to expand their family even if it meant their DNA would not be involved.
Although it is hard to see how wonderful Rich is with children when we know it isn't our turn yet there is hope in the knowledge that we can be parents in a variety of ways.
February 11, 2012
Today was a tough day. I started my period 7 days late. I didn't even think to use a pregnancy test because I knew it was too good to be true and I didn't want to face yet another negative response. It didn't help going to the Worldwide Training and hearing women referred to as wives and mothers of children. When will this pain make sense?
February 10, 2012
A few nights ago I was talking to Rich about finances and where we should invest and how much etc. What he said was very touching and provided optimism to spark. He said " we should live such that we will have a baby in 9 months". No we are not putting our life on hold through this time but at least from a financial mindset we will be prepared to have a baby in 9 months. His suggestion encouraged me and right now we are enjoying the journey!
February 3, 2012
When I started this page I wasn't sure why I was doing it. Part of me wanted to give a disclaimer why we don't have children and have been married almost two years, another part of me wanted to make others aware that pregnancy isn't as easy as I thought all growing up and a very small part of me wanted to reach out to others in the same situation. What is interesting is that the last, small part has become my whole purpose. I have had many conversations in person, over the phone, through facebook and over e-mail from those dear friends of mine going through the same challenge and before they contacted me I had no idea we had this trial in common. One of those friends has recently said, "if you find out why we are going through this let me know". As I have thought about that I do know part of the reason we are...to gain strength from each other, to know we are not alone and we can gain support from one another and through the power of prayer we will have comfort and reassurance through this time.
I know that when it comes time for Rich and I do become parents we will cherish those children more than if they would have come easy to us. The blessing of children is worth waiting for in our book.
January 27, 2012
One of the hardest things for me is how insensitive some people are about what Rich and I are going through. When I was talking with a friend earlier this week she really helped by saying "no matter what your situation is there is always going to be someone insensitive to what you are going through" . I've just got to suck it up and put on my resilient coat.
January 25, 2012
Analogy time: Last night Rich got his GRE scores in the mail. He already knew he rocked the verbal and math portions but needed to see his written score on paper. As he saw the written score he was a little disappointed [partly because he told such high expectations for himself] . After seeing the score there was a few ways to react but what we did was shrug it off, know it's still good enough to get into the Masters program and move on knowing that if he really wants a higher score he can take the test again.
Each time I see a negative pregnancy test or start my period I know there are a few ways I can react; however , I also know that there is nothing I can do to change the answer right then. So the best way to react is to shrug it off, know next month may be better and move on looking forward with faith.
January 23, 2012
Keep a journal. Even though it may seem like I express a lot of things on this page and my blog in general- trust me there is so much that is not published but kept in my own little documents and leather bond journal by my bed. Mostly of moments when I am not so strong, moments of complete sadness and hopelessness but also moments when I have felt the spirit so strongly and things that have gotten me through. I was briefly looking over one from May and it's starts out with "So I don't really know where to begin, but I know I should" I am EXTREMELY grateful I have taken the time since then to record my thoughts. emotions and hurts.
January 22, 2012
It's when I'm doing simple things like today shopping at JoAnns and I see stinking cute baby fabrics that it hurts so much to not know when I can use that fabric for my own children's blankets. My solution? Buy the fabric anyway. I have faith and pray daily that my motherhood dream will come true.
January 19, 2012
I have been thinking about the other challenges I've had in my life and have realized how grateful I am for them. My freshman year of college I got engaged to a different guy than Rich and within a month I broke everything off. I remember that experience and all that I learned from it and remember thinking that everyone should go through that because of all the important things you can learn just by having that experience. In some ways I feel like this challenge is the same. I have grown closer to my husband and Heavenly Father because I know they are the only ones that can truly relate to me. If we were to have gotten pregnant months ago that relationship would not be as strong as it is today. Also, I feel like it has brought me closer to those who desire so strongly to marry in the Temple for time and all eternity but that experience has not presented it's self yet.
My brother on his mission keeps saying "be happy in your current state, no one event will make you happy"
January 17, 2012
"Babies come when they want to come" How true is that??! A friend also summed it up nicely when she said that this is a trial I just never thought I would have.
January 13, 2012
Yesterday a student came into Rich's office and among other things started talking about marriage and children. This student who neither of us knew told Rich that it's "typical" for it to take a while to conceive your first child. While I am sure this was meant to be a consoling gesture it is not anymore. Is it so hard to just say "I'm sorry, that must be really tough?"
January 10, 2012
With the new blog layout I decided to add a new page to express myself in our pregnancy journey. I did not want these posts to go to one's google reader because I am seeking a more intimate audience of those who truly care and will share this experience with us in empathy and compassion.
To answer the "100 pound elephant in the room" question; No, we are not pregnant but have been trying for the past ten months to conceive.
With each month their are new trials and heart breaks concerning this challenge that I know we have been given for a reason. Most recently there have been two things that are weighing heavily on my mind:
1. I feel hindered in reaching my potential. All my life I have wanted to be a mother. In a class last semester we were asked where we want to be in five years and I said I want to be a professional mother. In our patriarchal blessings it talks a lot about Rich and I as parents and grandparents in the flesh. In the Church of Jesus Christ of Later-Day Saints motherhood is highly praised. It is so hard to be patient for the deepest desire of our hearts especially when others practically have to be forced to accept their conceived child. Nothing else, at least nothing yet, has been able to fill this void.
2. It is so hard to plan our future. Sure we have had ten months of no success but who is to say that a baby is not just a month away, or two or twenty-four? When we first started trying, December would have been the due date; I would have just graduated and would have become a full time mom- I thought this was the best timing ever. Now in January, I am working full time and trying to decide when/if ever to pursue my lifelong dream of attending beauty school. We are also flirting with possible trip destinations that are months and years away. Rich has decided to get a Master's degree and potentially a PhD as well. All of the previous could change with just one positive pregnancy test.
Through this experience thus far we have been able to understand what it feels like to have such a righteous desire and not be granted it. Whether it is the desire to marry and further your exaltation or to simply find work to support your family the challenge can seem unbearable at times. Please do not give up. It is stories and individuals like you that provide me with encouragement to stay strong and I know that is Heavenly Father carrying us through and proving that he has not forgotten us.
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