Wednesday, November 14, 2018


Our Jeep is currently abandoned at the Lifetime parking lot -- after trying to jump it three different times with three different cars it's there to stay. The rental company for our apartment has been constantly reminding us that we need to give them 60 days notice of move out and that we need to decided the length of our new contract ASAP, the shorter the length, the additional $100s we'll pay each month. I opened my iCal app to find that Rich has a second interview set up for a position with IIT, in Italy. And just last night an application has been sent for a position in Indianapolis. 

We don't know where we will be in three months time, we don't know what we'll be doing, and there are too many unknowns to do any serious research to be prepared. We've sent in applications for two American schools in Berlin for McKay but we're not any closer to knowing if we are headed that direction, what if we are moving somewhere else and have missed school application deadlines because that location simply wasn't on our radar? What if we are staying here and extending for a year? Am I ready to go through all these unknowns again? And if we take the Humbolt Fellowship, we'll be looking towards another move just two years later. 

As I've been thinking about all this and replaying it in my mind as I type, I feel like I should be losing my mind.

But, I'm not.

Somehow, someway it'll all work out and while I may not be this calm tomorrow, I'm going to enjoy it today.

Monday, November 12, 2018

Me & my girl

Opening up to others and posting about how difficult Macey can (sometimes) be, has opened a channel for others to share similar experiences. The general consensuses I've gathered is that things get better, or at least different. I just found out that of the most sincere, gentle, loving, genuine beehives we had in young womens was a challenge as a toddler. When her mother told me this, I couldn't believe it, but was instantly filled with a new hope and love for my (sometimes) irrational three year old daughter. And that's the thing I often forget, she's only three. Taking a step back it's (sometimes) obvious to see that she isn't targeting me or trying to drive me crazy. I'm a firm believer that the rising generation of girls is the strongest one yet and I can't help but feel a great responsibility to raise Macey to be a force for good regardless of how unresponsive, emotional and irrational she tends to be.

Looking at these pictures and kissing my sweet sleeping (!!) angel goodnight, I can't help but think about all Maceys been through with me.  I was pregnant with her when my mom was diagnosed, my mom didn't get to meet her in the hospital or take care of us at home, Macey and I flew to Minnesota many times just the two of us and we got to spend precious days with my mom as three generations. There won't be any more memories of my mom with Macey, but by telling Macey every day that she's my girl I'll never forget when my mom told me those same words.

On Saturday, Macey and I had an all day girls date and it was the best day together.. We were busy shopping, going out for lunch and giggling + holding hands the whole time. I never ever, EVER want to forget Macey looking up at me and saying “I lobe you mom”. It was a day I’ll always treasure and a great reminder that sometimes our undivided attention is truly the best gift. 

But when the days are as long as the tear stains on Macey's face, there's comfort in knowing she was sent only to me and will forever be mine. 

...and let's just hope we get rewarded with a pleasant teenager!

Saturday, November 10, 2018

Mile High

Our zoo pass expired in April so when we found out there was a free day we were pretty excited.  The weather cooperated, we scored a perfect parking spot, it wasn't overcrowded, we saw what the kids wanted to see most (iguanas, turtles and horses) and we were able to meet up with the Criste family-- it was such a great afternoon.

As I took this picture of these four besties, my heart was full of gratitude and love. Rich has recently applied for jobs in Michigan, Houston, New Jersey and I have a feeling it won't stop there.  With 2019 on the horizon -- the unknowns are mounting but my deepest desire is that wherever we go next will also feel like home.

Thursday, November 8, 2018

Hello November

cool temperatures
crunchy leaves 
deserted playgrounds
talks of Christmas lists
dark afternoons
white mountains
board games  
feeling grateful
waiting to hear about Berlin
hands in pockets 

Tuesday, November 6, 2018

Funeral pictures


We love and miss you Grandpa.